New things in life

Since I last posted anything to this blog o'mine, I've been separated from my husband, sold my house, moved into a new place with the kids and found a full-time job. In the meantime, I'm trying to grow up and find my life's calling all while caring for three spirited children, mostly on my own. I think I want to be a teacher but of what? And really, am I cut out to be in the educational field? I feel like I'm STILL nursing scars from when I was that awkward, unpopular teenager in middle and high school. Yet those are the grade levels I'm contemplating to teach.

It's amazing how quickly life changes. I know, everyone says that but it's true. I was happy in my own little cocoon of a world and then I went and asked a question that led me to an answer I was ill prepared to hear.

Me, "Do you want to be married?"

Him, "I don't know."

This was the day before my birthday in February 2009 and led to his moving into his mom's house the next day and then in with girlfriend by the end of the year. I'd say that's pretty damn quick in the change department, wouldn't you? Especially when he wasn't sure what he wanted originally.

I'm mostly through the heartache but despite it all, I still love the jerk. "Why," you ask? "How can I not," I say. I had three children with the man. I had dreams of growing old with him and then dying first so that I wouldn't have to live a life without him. How does one give that up so quickly? I still find myself wanting to share my experiences with him, call him up and tell him something amusing one of the kids said. Oh who am I kidding, I am still deep in hurt. I think I always will be. In time, it won't be so present, I hope at least, and I'll move on. But I've always been slow when it comes to the interpersonal relations part of life.

I see other folks around me that have gone through the same thing as me and it's amazing how quickly they move on and find someone new. Is it because they were looking hard or is it because they were just ready? It will be two years in February since all of this occurred and here I am, still pining away for my former beau but desperately wanting a new relationship at the same time. I miss having a partner to share life with. Someone to talk to and process my ideas with. Someone to encourage me. Someone to give me a hug and kiss when I'm feeling blue. But the thought of introducing this new person to my children scares the bejesus out of me! I think I'll have to wait until the kids are off to college before I'll be ready for another person. But that will be a long 11 years until that day comes.