Eat, Pray, Love

Watched the movie tonight. I can't decide if I liked Julia Roberts' character or not. There is one scene that hit a little too close to home. Her husband is telling her that he wasn't even given a chance and she responds that she did say things but that he just didn't hear her. Is that what my ex feels like? The character also says that he understands that she wants to find herself but why can't she do it within the confines of their marriage. It's almost word for word, what I've thought/said to the ex. But when it was said by Billy Crudup's character in the movie, it sounded whiney and pathetic. Is that because it is whiney and pathetic or because it was a man saying those words?

I'd love to go on year long journey to find myself and a new love o' my life but I have three kids. Who will take care of them? The challenge is in finding my "balance" without having to sacrifice the well-being of my children. Besides which, I'd miss them like crazy. They are part of me, literally and figuratively. I'm not just Anita anymore. I am Mommy.

I read an interview that Jon Stewart did with Oprah a few years ago and she asks him the following:

Oprah: What kind of daddy do you want to be?

Jon: The kind that stays. The kind who doesn't say to a 9-year-old kid, "This doesn't mean your mother and I don't love you," as he's heading out the door.

Jon gets it because in a way it DOES mean, I don't love you. It says, "My happiness is more important than anything else in this world, even you." How is that love? Ex left saying that he wasn't happy and couldn't be a good father because he wasn't happy. I get that. But he's happy now and he thinks he's a good father now? I did the math tonight. Over a two week period, he will see the kids for 52 hours out of 336 possible. Granted, between school and sleep, there isn't a whole lot of time left to spend together but seriously. Does he really think he gets to put in quality parenting time when he sees them only 15% of the time? What sort of influence does he hope to have on the children via Wednesday night dinners and alternating weekends?

New things in life

Since I last posted anything to this blog o'mine, I've been separated from my husband, sold my house, moved into a new place with the kids and found a full-time job. In the meantime, I'm trying to grow up and find my life's calling all while caring for three spirited children, mostly on my own. I think I want to be a teacher but of what? And really, am I cut out to be in the educational field? I feel like I'm STILL nursing scars from when I was that awkward, unpopular teenager in middle and high school. Yet those are the grade levels I'm contemplating to teach.

It's amazing how quickly life changes. I know, everyone says that but it's true. I was happy in my own little cocoon of a world and then I went and asked a question that led me to an answer I was ill prepared to hear.

Me, "Do you want to be married?"

Him, "I don't know."

This was the day before my birthday in February 2009 and led to his moving into his mom's house the next day and then in with girlfriend by the end of the year. I'd say that's pretty damn quick in the change department, wouldn't you? Especially when he wasn't sure what he wanted originally.

I'm mostly through the heartache but despite it all, I still love the jerk. "Why," you ask? "How can I not," I say. I had three children with the man. I had dreams of growing old with him and then dying first so that I wouldn't have to live a life without him. How does one give that up so quickly? I still find myself wanting to share my experiences with him, call him up and tell him something amusing one of the kids said. Oh who am I kidding, I am still deep in hurt. I think I always will be. In time, it won't be so present, I hope at least, and I'll move on. But I've always been slow when it comes to the interpersonal relations part of life.

I see other folks around me that have gone through the same thing as me and it's amazing how quickly they move on and find someone new. Is it because they were looking hard or is it because they were just ready? It will be two years in February since all of this occurred and here I am, still pining away for my former beau but desperately wanting a new relationship at the same time. I miss having a partner to share life with. Someone to talk to and process my ideas with. Someone to encourage me. Someone to give me a hug and kiss when I'm feeling blue. But the thought of introducing this new person to my children scares the bejesus out of me! I think I'll have to wait until the kids are off to college before I'll be ready for another person. But that will be a long 11 years until that day comes.